THE BAIT OF FATE

So the big disaster aka "Wedding" was over.. Now the question was how i was gonna survive the next 4 years.. I thought my only option was to stay back and wait.. But then Ambi came up with another option which did sound adventurous but less practical. He said we could travel to Canada on a visit visa and camp there for 6 months. There he had this friend called "Manoj Patel" and family who according to Ambi was a real "friend in need". Seems Ambi and Manoj were great pals while he worked in Mumbai years ago.. Ambi's whole idea was to accommodate me in Manoj's place while he would travel between Canada and the U.S. on weekends. Meanwhile i was supposed to apply for some course in Canada and earn a student visa to extend my stay in the country. As a potential immigrant (person who has already applied for an immigration status) i was not even eligible to apply for a student's visa in the U.S. Such was the cruel "BAIT OF FATE".
Well... coming back.. I had no other door to flee and hence i decided to try my luck in this adventure. Both of us thus set to "Delhi" the capital city.. to apply for the visa.

THE FIRST NIGHT - MYTHS AND THE TRUTH

Coming back to my story.. My first night was an interesting experience for me. Don’t you worry.. I’m not gonna go into the details of who did what and stuff like that. It is plainly about certain interesting facts I learnt on my first night. Our first night was arranged in a certain five star hotel.. Ambi had booked up a honey moon suit.Usually orthodox family people are against the idea of organizing the first night anywhere outside. They say it is auspicious to begin the same in the guy's home. But the latest trend is to organize it elsewhere for a better environment and more privacy. Talking about privacy, i recollect a funny incident. As i said our first night was arranged in a hotel by Ambi. My father-in-law who is a strange charactered person insisted Ambi to book for another honey-moon suit in the same hotel for Ambi's sister and her husband. These people were already married for four long years and already had a kid. It seems she (Ambi's sis) could not enjoy her honey moon in any big hotel and so my father-in-law was trying to compensate for the same. Huh! And the funniest part was that my f-in-l also insisted Ambi to bear the bills of the second room as well. That is when i set the ultimate vivid picture of Ambi's family.

Well, coming back to my case.. As usual the scene was well set with a colorful ambiance of flowers and the fragrance of perfumed candles. Well ultimately it was like dressing up in an Oscar night gown for a wild expedition in the forest. Nothing actually happened.. In fact “nothing” actually happens before a month of trial and error unless you happen to be some Greek god incarnated or unless you were actually practicing all these years for this one day.

I don’t know why men actually carry the “fear” for performance before the first night. I don’t think any lady love would be waiting there in the bedroom with a score-sheet in her hands. Marriage is all about a commitment and willingness to share n try out all those ups and downs together. That one night performance is not all that’s gonna set your trend of life. I have heard many couples boast about how eventful and happening their first night was. Bull-Shit! Ask your best friend.. a fairly honest family man n he will tell you the truth.. At least if they don’t belong to the category of so called “Greek Gods”. Many men are all convinced by the trend of sexuality expressed in porn movies. They carry the whole ideology up to their bedrooms and that too on the very first night.. and the net result? You can guess that. So the pleasure solely relies upon the comfort level both of you experience before, during and after the bedroom episode.

Coming to dating.. There is a certain rule what every man is to follow least he wants to be slippered .. that “Thou shall not touch the divine body of a lady without consent”. Well not that her body is divine, but definitely to be on the safe side. When you are permitted to, all those rules of what is right or what is legal is broken. This does not include emotional torture to forcefully push a lady to consent. What I talk about is the approach towards winning her heart. Love making is all about sharing with immense interest on both sides. It has nothing to do with whether you own legal rights over something. But it is better done with personal consent as well. Also remember, just because your girl friend welcomed to to make love whole heartedly one day, doesn’t mean you can take it for granted the next day. Probably she was in a very good mood the other day, or probably she liked the way you danced, or probably she found that accidentally you had a bit more respect or love for her than usual the other day, that she actually let you conquer her. But don’t expect the same always.. unless u make sure you deserve it. Yes guys, you actually need to take a bit more effort for a long lasting benefit.

Myself and Ambi.. Both of us believed that one should get married with somebody who feels great being with you and the one who makes you feel great as well. The other day I had been to a restaurant with my family. There on the very next table I spotted a certain celebrity.. a famous singer of the Tamil film industry. He is truly handsome I must say. Think he is a Tamil Brahmin. Very famous.. Managing to sustain his market in the industry.. truly a real celebrity. But the tragic part was his family. This guy’s better half looked just the opposite.. Short, black, very stout.. Gosh!! While in my college days the news of this guy getting married made me n many of my friends fall sick for days with jealousy. All what we heard was that the lucky girl was from some very rich family. For this handsome guy what we visualized was something different. Well.. what do I say? People do claim that opposites attract.. But I never knew people could settle for extremely opposites. I really feel pity for this guy and his peculiar taste. If you don’t feel great about your better half, how could you manage to carry them along without an awkward feeling wherever you go? No wonder why many men prefer traveling alone or with their personal secretaries. One personally ought to be blamed for same. Either they don’t choose the right one or they are never satisfied. There are guys sheltered under mama’s wings till they get married. They lack so called “exposure” in matters related to “women”. They do not know what they are supposed to expect from a marriage.

Well, there is a famous Indian joke – It seems a certain lady walks into a lingerie shop for a purchase. The salesman gets her a 34 sized Bra. She thinks for a while and says “Can you get me a smaller one?”. The salesman smiles and gets her a 32. She again thinks for a while and says “Something a bit more smaller??” .. the salesman gets her a 30 this time but she still asks for a smaller one. This goes on until there is no smaller size left. Finally the salesman thinks for a while and gets her a “ No Marks” cream and says “Probably a cure for two little pimples is what you were looking for.. I think this should work!”. Well, there are guys who tend to settle down for women using “No Marks” and days after marriage once the ray of knowledge enlightens them, they start staring at his neighbor’s “assets”. There is no point paying the cook and eating out all the time cz the food is no good.. Hhmmm.. Whatever..

-Priya.

[ Note :- Dear readers, I would suggest you to read my previous blogs in sequence for Continuity]

THE WEDDING DAY

June 2004.. As the rains drenched maiden earth and as the smell of wet sands tickled my nostrils, i could hear the wedding bells ring.. I was clad in the traditional red robe.. There were five or six ladies around me..decorating me with golden ornaments..meanwhile not forgetting to update each other over issues like "the neighborhood girl eloped with some guy from another caste".. how the girl's father cursed her for betraying the entire community..about how much cash somebody offered to the family of some guy who was a doctor in the U.K. so that the guy would accept his daughter's hand... blah.. n blah.. n blah.. God knows how they manage to get such nonsense news.. All i was bothered at that moment was about the heavy load of the flowers i had to carry.. used for decorating my hair.. God...
After the whole "dressing up" part, i was waiting in the dressing room, waiting to be summoned by the priest. As i sat there, i recollected how happily i spent those three months between the engagement and the present day.. I still remember..how i spent hours over the phone..talking to Ambi.. knowing each other.. fighting for silly reasons at times.. The more i knew him, the more i fell for him..The thrill of our first kiss still lingers in my mind.. Ambi was humorous, caring, truthful, decent, and above all i valued him for the amount of respect he had for every other person..
Everybody, while awake 16 hours a day, has some tableau image in the corner of his mind.. One carries it along wherever one goes..just like how some carry a bottle of water or a hand kerchief.. and feels it while indulged in any activity.. Some image that gives him a moral boost.. It becomes a part of him.. For me, that image was all set by then.. there was someone to fill my emptiness.. It was Ambi.. Still it is.. The only difference that has occurred is that right now there is somebody flinging stones in the still waters of my mind.. and the image..its kinda rippled..
I was feeling totally complete in life.. until that day..that ill omened day of my life.. that Sunday in the month of May.. thats when Ambi confessed that he would not be able to take me along with him for another four or five years.. There was no mirror where i could reflect to see my expression at that damn moment.. First i thought it was some kind of a joke.. Then i realized he was serious.. I did not understand how to react.. I just wanted to escape.. Or hide my face somewhere.. Or badly wake up from this, if luckily it happened to be a dream.. But No!.. This is in real.. My cousins were waiting outside.. Calling out for me.. asking me to hurry up.. I followed them..to some theater.. We were there to watch some movie.. I think it was "Star Wars - Attack Of The Clones".. I could see vague scenes.. Some dark shadows and people dressed in black robes.. Aliens.. Fire.. Wars.. But there was a bigger war running in my mind.. I was numb.. Then suddenly i realized what actually had happened.. I just got up and walked out of the theater.. There was somebody following me.. think it was my cousin brother.. I was BROKE.....TOTALLY BROKE!!!!!
-PRIYA

COMMITTED !!!!

Ambi and I got engaged in a week. That was the day i first visited his home in Chennai.. His home where he spent his entire childhood was an old fashioned traditional construction and the air around the whole place announced the extend of narrow mindedness of its inmates. For the first time I felt i was gonna be rehabilitated in the wrong place. But i remembered what my mom had told me.. "Don't worry, you are not gonna stay here anyways.. Once the knots are tied you are gonna have your own way of life in an entirely different country with Ambi"..
Though the sermons had enough stuff to relieve oneself, i still wasn't convinced. For once, i felt i was standing against my conscience. I could sense that my outlook about life is never gonna match their's.. Not that i was one among those ultra-modern feminist women folks who never left their beds without a lipstick, but in that i preferred to take life in a practical sense, adapting to whatever novelty was demanded in each situation. Still!! For that green-card??? I swear..I cant believe i did that..!!! I decided to keep mum and go ahead with the commitment.
The principal reason why i had torn apart that brainy buddy's (Vishnurao Iyer) profile was b'cz he was born in a family where his ancestors were temple priests, who followed very strict religious norms in their family.
Here things were not strict but totally in the opposite extreme. Leave alone the usual "Brahmin" norms, they were not even behaving as normal human beings who expect a minimum privacy in their own homes. Ambi knows no tamil (Regional language of Iyers).. Their home was some kind of a lodge.. Anybody was welcome .. to open the fridge.. to enter the kitchen area.. to use the bedroom of one's choice, even your personal lap-top, even if you were the driver of the neighborhood.. Damn!!! One had to be conscious in one's own home.. Well i'll come to this topic later on!
As for now, i stood as a slaughter goat while Ambi carried on with booking me up as a life partner with a Solitaire Diamond Ring.. Alas! I was engaged.. I now had to scribble on top of wherever i had declared "Single" and overwrite "Committed" ..

BACK TO MY STORY

I've been drifting away from my story for sometime..Well , sorry for that! O. K , Where was I? Yeah ! About the guy whom my parents chose for me. The day had finally arrived when Ambi and his family were coming to our place for an official visit. In India it is called the "Ladki Dekhna". The guy and family are supposed to visit the girl's home and evaluate how the girl looks and whether the family seems financially sound.. Hmmm.. I kept repeating to my dad that i would rather run away with a beast than marry a cock with a broken crown. I was all set to revolt against the whole thing..
I was busy getting dressed, trying hard to drape me with that long piece of cloth called "Sari". Suddenly i could hear noises outside. All of them had arrived. I peeped through the window expecting to find some monkey faced fellow who was "white" than fair in complexion.. consuming all those laddus fried in ghee n loads of curd rice.. But contrary to what i expected, i found a handsome young man walking towards our door with a glow in his eyes and an innocent smile on his face that shone like a moon.. I was flat at the very first sight..i swear..his eyes..that still gives me the kick whenever i look at him even today..
We talked for about an hour in privacy..about his job, my studies and ambitions in life, about our family n all that.. But i couldn't take my eyes off his face.. He seemed to be a nice man and i nodded "Yes" to the first alliance that knocked the door of my life.. meanwhile, not forgetting to tear away the profile of another alliance..that of an equally eligible bachelor.. His name was some "Vishnurao Iyer".. who was then an upcoming civil servant..
Was that a beginning of a dream come true or that of an unannounced disaster? Lets see..

-Priya

Prayer and Serinity.

Today is Sunday..lazy lazy Sunday..Dozed away watching "The Scarlet Letter" last night..Some sensible movie which tries to analyze a dispute between what in fact is morally correct in the eyes of god..Lying on my bed..gazing at the blurred picture of lord Krishna hung on the wall,i was trying to plunge into a discussion with my inner self over what in fact is the essence of a prayer.I grew up listening to stories of king Akbar and Birbal (One of the nine jewels of Akbar's court comprising of learned men,poets and advisers). Once there was a dispute between the king and Birbal over whether faith of man was superior to the prayers offered by Sufis(messengers of god or priests). The king believed that prayers of mankind would reach god if and only if offered by the Sufis who were supposedly very close to the supreme entity. Birbal believed in the contrary. But he had no sufficient evidence to this. One day the king gets an invitation from a nearby kingdom to visit a sanctum which was well known for the miracles of a Sufi saint. The king, who was in preparation for a war decides to visit the place and offer his prayers for victory. After the visit, the king continues for the war and undoubtedly seizes victory. The king now confirms his faith in the powers of the messengers of the god. Birbal now interrupts the scene and invites Akbar to visit the sanctum again.. There Birbal exposes the fact that the sanctum was created artificially over the king's own robes and there were no Sufis. This proves to the king that it was the faith one has on oneself that leads him to victory.. Hmmmm.. Interesting ain't it?
So what in fact does prayer mean to me? They say, god resides in oneself. God is nothing but the power hidden in oneself and this can be awakened by concentrating on building a destiny which has a righteous outcome, formulating a path of truthfulness towards the destiny and building a confidence level or faith in achieving the same. When we pray, are we actually trying to build a conversation with an idol of stone or wood? I don't think so. All of us have a disturbed mind with millions of options about our goals and million other options defining the path to be taken towards them. Prayer is a brief period of time when we prioritize, analyze and finally decide on what is to be done and how. As far as I am concerned, I believe that the concrete structures named a temple, church or a mosque provide nothing more than a calm ambiance for a focused mind. Ultimately it is that subconscious inner mind of ours that masters our decisions..

So again, I ask myself, what is it that builds our inner mind or the subconscious self? Good question. Basic character of a person molds by the time he is five years old.. Why does this happen? Possibly because our inner mind is more open to the world than our logical part during this period of time and attempts to grasp the instinctive chemistry of life. Hence the solution is to attempt a command over our inner self.. And the initial step to the art of self mastering is self realization. This is where a prayer comes handy.

Many a people are in a habit of linking terms like “God”-“Prayer”-“Action”-“Fate”. Personally, I have dissected each one of them uniquely. I have already described “God” according to me in the first stanza and “Prayer” in the second. Now comes the third one – “Action”. Action has nothing to do with god. It is not an abstract image named god who is entirely bestowed with the responsibility to judge our actions. Every cause has an effect. I still wonder why people still pull in Newton’s law to prove this. It is simply an obvious fact. Whether the effect is welcomed as a good one or a bad one is entirely left to what we feel is right or wrong.. That again is abstract. Well..!!!!! You like something, u call it a good effect and hence the action that leads to the same, a good act indeed.. Nonsense..!!

Then finally I come to “Fate”. I describe fate as mere coincidence of circumstances with what we wish. You wish for something good and if circumstances coincide so as to favor the occurrence of your wishes, you call it “Good Fate”. And vice versa. Bullshit!!!!! Absolutely Bullshit!!! Ultimately the victim is “You”.. “Yourself”..

-Priya.

EQUATING RIGHT AND WRONG

What is right and what is wrong? One drains away a lot of time computing this particular Gordian concept. Its simply akin to asking "what is the shape of water"?? Incontestable..isn't it? Just as water takes the shape of the container it is taken in, so do our so called moral values. There is no rights and no wrongs. They just take shape of the society they are attached to and a mind chained steadfast to such a society prefers to believe in them. Dare to let your mind wander in freedom and you start acknowledging that every other fact or option weigh the same in a logical mind..The logical mind is the slave of emotions..emotions that have again sprouted out of what one was taught was right or wrong. Thats why i repeat that one ought to "dare" to let your mind wander. What is dawn at our end might be dusk at the other end of the earth. Such is the case of right and wrong. So one might wonder what one has to stand by when given option between the two.. Thats where one has to employ his preferential knowledge. i.e One ought to learn the consequences of each option in different situation. You are not supposed to hurt anybody.. Naturally you would not prick another with a painful thorn. But you are logically correct if this helps to remove another thorn which is even more painful.. So the logic of right and wrong of every action depends on the intention behind it.. i.e whether it helps or not in the long run.

YOU DONT CRAVE FOR WHAT YOU NEVER TASTED..

An unfortunate obese fellow was put to strict diet to cut down his calories.One among the restrictions was to avoid non-vegetarian cuisine from his diet.This guy was a hard core fan of red meat and found it very difficult to part with his favorites.His spouse who was a strict vegetarian commented "Why do you find it so difficult to become a vegetarian? Look at me,i have been a vegetarian since my childhood"....Hmmmm....Funny...right? Similar is the case when a normal Indian woman...(normal in the sense-one among most of them in India who fail to enjoy sex for themselves) happens to encounter another Indian female(say..Mrs.X) who has enjoyed every moment of life and sex with her partner but is now staying away from him due to unfortunate circumstances..The so called "normal" one feels there is nothing wrong with the life of Mrs.X as long as her monthly bills are paid off well n her purse remains pretty heavy most of the time.Such is my case right now..i'm staying away from ambi..here in India back at home..frustrated many a days..Ambi works abroad n i've been staying away ever since i was married..Four long years..yeah,he does come down once every year..Thats when i dig my cupboard for my favorite lace lingerie..
My mother in law is sick many a times..sick in the sense sick at mind..Imagine my Ambi coming down for utmost 20 days a year,n this female arranges for some nasty religious ritual for which both of us(me and ambi) got to stay away from physical relationship for three or four days..Damn!!! She feels its quite easy..For women like her, "sex" is just another luxury in life which is not to be enjoyed very often..But for me or probably for many like me,its another important basic instinct like hunger or thirst.Alright! i agree that we eat and drink from childhood.But sex,once tasted n once you get the kick of it,gets adapted as an instinct and satisfying this instinct becomes a necessity for a well balanced mental status.Hardly do these boring Indian women realize this crude fact.Here sex is visualized as some nasty thing that occurs between a couple at some nasty weak moment n women who enjoy it are born whores. ( I did not know that enjoying sex was due to some disorder in our genetic code or something like that..Whew!)..First two years of married life was as tough as crossing the sands of "Thar"..Any weak hearted soul would hallucinate a mirage..And if you happen to find a real one,wouldn't you stop by to quench yourself?..Something similar happened in my life..........................................

Choosing Between Harry and Harry

Its indeed a tough journey between a free mind and one that is committed in bondage forever..I was hardly 20 when my destiny tied knots with Ambi (Anantha Pathmanabha iyer). As they say a person is what his mind is.My mindset was entirely different from what it is today.My good old childhood days were churned in a big mansion that roofed an age old orthodox Brahmin family in south India.I grew up believing in things like this is good and that was bad..cz the religious books say so..n all that.I was raised as a race horse with very little options in life..Basically in India every single person is just another victim of circumstances.Definitely none of us on earth have a choice regarding who our parents are gonna be.But in a country like our's,we have no choice to anything.The kind of schooling we get depends on the financial situation of the family and at times also on your sex.i.e if you happen to be a male specie,you have full rights to go anywhere to learn anything to any extend.But for females,its like you get to invest just a quarter of the funds laid aside for you on education.Rest is kind of reserved for "Wedding".Most Indian parents follow the motto "Profession for guys and marriage for girls".We are also restricted when it comes to a job level.You have passion for one but if you are gonna be the only supporter of the entire family you are forced to choose the profession that fills your pockets the most.O.K,i agree this happens in every other country..But just imagine such a case when it comes to marriage??? Your options get restricted initially with the factor "Caste".Even if you are in love with a "Hindu" you still cant marry another Hindu..You go for "Brahmins" n that too the one who speaks the same regional language..(This in my case).So your options are lowered again.Then again you go for factors like "Family background", "Horoscopes", "Job of the guy".....Blah n Blah n Blah..Finally there is very little or rather no scope for "Love".Leave alone love,for those horoscopes n well paid pockets good looking Indian barbies often tend to settle down for "Barbarians".So,i basically had no expectations that my parents would find me a guy whose horoscope,looks,pocket-size and character-all of them happen to be compatible with me..Its really tough..i swear..

The Unattended Asset

Its high time i put an end to this relationship...a relationship that has given me nothing more than confusion in life..its kind of a tug of war between all those desi values i had sucked up in my mind in the course of 25 years in my life and the logical me..who has always tried a different route to look at things..always...who has always fought against all those so called "RULES" for a happy life ahead.."happy" they say...huh...wonder how many of them really are..Still the tug of war continues..cz this time its between two aspects of happiness..not unable to understand which one is more muscular...on one side do i have this guy who slowly crept into my mind while i was fast asleep..built a small nest there n now its kind of an addictive relationship between him n me..n on the other end,i have this person who actually is the owner of my mind..who legally has acquired power over myself n who has won a larger part of it by sowing seeds of care n shelter over me..But he has put me aside as an asset with walls around it,hoping that his darling wud be safe enough..least did he think that some intruder would some day jump those walls n try his luck..Now for me..i wonder if i should offer this intruder all those sweet fruits owned by another..Why not ! i sometimes feel..why should i let my fruits rot for nothing...hhmmm...Still dont get me?Wait for my next post..